Category Archives: personal

the young adults dilemma: moving out; help me internet!!!

hi internet me again! i face a serious problem and omitting everyone but the trolls have a serious problem i would like to discuss; me moving out.

for months now  have been trying to move, however due to a control freak mother i am stuck on how to proceed. currently if i move my mom loses the ability to afford living in her home and while I haven’t always been very vocal and up front about leaving i have made a persistent effort to shop for a good deal and have finally found one that’s both functional in location and affordable within my meager full time pay.

however as noted above my mother is a control freak and due to my lack of constant up front desire to leave she believes two very conflicting ideas. the first is that i am not 100% serious about it. and the second is that she wishes to butt her nose in and determine when and where i move too in order to plan a move of her own out of the home in which she has raised all her kids but would be essentially alone in once i move (my parents are divorced but she still has the family dogs).

i cant stall the purchase of this apartment that screams quality and cost effective buy forever; and the way things are looking if i play along with her controlling game plan i wont be moving until (at the earliest) October. by which time i will be one year older (I’m born in October). not moving into a place that i want too (or i stand a chance of that) and she may even try and set me up to fail which is something id like to avoid as well. (she has & will figuratively do and say anything to keep me around).

i refuse to be a mamma’s boy clinging to her basement any longer and i refuse to play by her rules. but she is offering 0 support on me doing it on my own and is even threatening to evict me if i try to move on my own terms anymore when & where i want hoping ill come home crying and stay.

help me internet i am at a loss on how to deal with this conflicting crazy mom of mine and the dilemma all young adults face which is hard enough without a parent like this. moving from your parents basement.

i am now out of therapy!!! death to codependency

hiya internet! its ionusx here. i have finally completed my time in therapy for codependence. i am now working to solve the problems in my own life to prevent a relapse. codependence is when a person has a traumatic event in their life that forces them to set aside their own person and become what others need or want them to be. and then they never pick it up again. this is sometimes also a behavior you learn at a young age from your parents.

the end result is that the person becomes completely reactive. they no longer act on their own and instead begin simply going through the motions often as a nay-sayer or a yes-man (varying on their personality or situation). they tend to become very clingy to people they associate with and can lead to them becoming real control freaks or people pleasers. they also tend to try and rescue others from their problems without self motivation to do so. they tend to become quite mad if you don’t reward them for doing so.

the cure is to make your own decisions, start small and work your way up. and from there you will walk into the light of social interaction, the ability to want and desire stuff and the ability to set goals.

however its very problematic for me as my parents and grandparents are all codependent in their own way and they are always trying to force me into their lives when i don’t want to. so i am now trying to distance myself as much as i can physically and mentally so i don’t relapse back in. i am actively seeking my own place and wont come back ever for fear of going back to being that way.

this has been very liberating and i am glad that i am no longer reacting and now if only some of the time acting on my own and doing what i want to do. and its been surprisingly fun to 😀

so i raise a glass this morning of the finest water i can buy at a convenience store to my new-found freedom and encourage you all to do the same. long live me!

also as a reward to myself i bought a dog tag set on ebay 😀

http://www.ebay.ca/itm/Got-Pride-Rainbow-Dog-Tag-Chain-Gay-GLBT-LGBT-Pride-Necklace-/290852150763?pt=Fashion_Jewelry&hash=item43b8239deb&_uhb=1#ht_500wt_1048

there you can see it if you want!

manitoba nights: the ballad of gay/bi ionusx

this is the ballad of ionusx, it happened in peg city Manitoba  it is a sad tale of how a mentally shut down and impressionable young man was twisted into bisexuality/homosexuality and doesn’t want to come back to the land of the straight people.

i was straight for many years. in fact the earliest memories of my life were of being homophobic in a weird way, it made me uncomfortable but never scared me or terrified me. which i guess is normal for a teenager who wasn’t ever publicly exposed to it. naturally this also meant that I tried chasing a girlfriend. but i am rather effeminate, feminine and was also a soft-spoken youth. Another problem that I developed was that of codependency.

codependency for those who have never had this problem before is a state of mind that exists from a traumatic event that causes a person to put being themselves down, and they never pick it up again. this leaves them impressionable, clingy, and very self-critical. girls would always ignore me, i never had a girl ever push for more than a hi how are you. and i always got turned down pushing for more than a simple greeting or a dance with a stranger at a public function.

on top of the above i was always being mistaken for being homosexual due to my feminine habits. it also didn’t help that i was a rather talented competitive dancer (a story for another day). so i bore the brunt of the problems closet dwelling and bullied LGBTQ’s have to deal with in their teens but unlike you i was straight.

however this is where things take a weird strange turn…hang on to your hats boys n girls this ones going to get wacky and science-fictiony on you here; i was brainwashed. at age 17 after dealing with being made fun of and bullied for being gay so much that i stopped being feminine and left dancing i got curious. i got curious as a result of being bullied and my impressionable mind (that would even believe lies about me) thought it might actually be gay; and I went diving in the internet to study same-gender relations ( i can smell the tents already, sorry boys no details). and i liked what i saw….

for years since then i have retreated in my basement afraid of this mental conflict in my mind, i was becoming attracted to boys, not girls. and i was enjoying same-gender smut. this was so.. liberating, however i still tried to get a girl to like me, no specific targets but i was always ignored or rejected before it really got beyond acquaintances  and this hasn’t changed now that i admit to who i am

after 5 years i made a mental decision to come out. convinced that i had repressed me being gay since i hit my teenage years and that this was the real me. my family was a little stunned and i discovered my mother was homophobic (but this was half expected she is a hard-lined catholic conservative). and of to therapy did this boy go to discover the truth of the matter.

this is where i discovered codependency and how it had (with the help of my environment and my curiosity) drove me from straight to homosexuality

fact is internet i have flipped myself as close to gay as a guy can get from being straight without sex. i have all but given up on girls seeing nothing there for me and nothing that interests me. for years i gave girls chances to set me on the straight and narrow (pun intended). but their ignorance has cost them a very smart, very talented gentleman and now all girls will miss the wonder that is beautiful me.

ladies you had your chance should you ever read this. you had all the chances in the world to be nice to me and treat me with the fair chance every man deserves when they approach you, which was that of friendship. you wouldn’t even give me that so i raise a middle finger at the female gender as a whole, you have big ego’s and you stuck up your nose at every opportunity. you shoved the door in my face whenever i tried to be neighborly and friendly, and you wouldn’t give me the time of day when I needed it most. I don’t want you and I wont miss you. may all future generations take this as a lesson to not step all over the quiet kid who worked up the courage to talk to you. and to give EVERY GUY be he fat/skinny, smart/stupid, athletic/weak, feminine/masculine religious/atheist a chance. I AM NOT COMING BACK

Rainbow flag. Symbol of gay pride.

Rainbow flag. Symbol of gay pride. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Hi there allow me to introduce myself!

my name is IonusX well that’s not my real name but that’s the one i use ALL OVER THE INTERNET. I’m 23 brown hair, brown eyes and i am a gay/bisexual (see post 2) technophile and gamer. i will be using the blog whenever i feel like sharing this new piece of news, a new event in my life, a video i like i found somewhere, or i may even review a game or two here. im also a dancer, and am studying to become an IT.