manitoba nights: the ballad of gay/bi ionusx

this is the ballad of ionusx, it happened in peg city Manitoba  it is a sad tale of how a mentally shut down and impressionable young man was twisted into bisexuality/homosexuality and doesn’t want to come back to the land of the straight people.

i was straight for many years. in fact the earliest memories of my life were of being homophobic in a weird way, it made me uncomfortable but never scared me or terrified me. which i guess is normal for a teenager who wasn’t ever publicly exposed to it. naturally this also meant that I tried chasing a girlfriend. but i am rather effeminate, feminine and was also a soft-spoken youth. Another problem that I developed was that of codependency.

codependency for those who have never had this problem before is a state of mind that exists from a traumatic event that causes a person to put being themselves down, and they never pick it up again. this leaves them impressionable, clingy, and very self-critical. girls would always ignore me, i never had a girl ever push for more than a hi how are you. and i always got turned down pushing for more than a simple greeting or a dance with a stranger at a public function.

on top of the above i was always being mistaken for being homosexual due to my feminine habits. it also didn’t help that i was a rather talented competitive dancer (a story for another day). so i bore the brunt of the problems closet dwelling and bullied LGBTQ’s have to deal with in their teens but unlike you i was straight.

however this is where things take a weird strange turn…hang on to your hats boys n girls this ones going to get wacky and science-fictiony on you here; i was brainwashed. at age 17 after dealing with being made fun of and bullied for being gay so much that i stopped being feminine and left dancing i got curious. i got curious as a result of being bullied and my impressionable mind (that would even believe lies about me) thought it might actually be gay; and I went diving in the internet to study same-gender relations ( i can smell the tents already, sorry boys no details). and i liked what i saw….

for years since then i have retreated in my basement afraid of this mental conflict in my mind, i was becoming attracted to boys, not girls. and i was enjoying same-gender smut. this was so.. liberating, however i still tried to get a girl to like me, no specific targets but i was always ignored or rejected before it really got beyond acquaintances  and this hasn’t changed now that i admit to who i am

after 5 years i made a mental decision to come out. convinced that i had repressed me being gay since i hit my teenage years and that this was the real me. my family was a little stunned and i discovered my mother was homophobic (but this was half expected she is a hard-lined catholic conservative). and of to therapy did this boy go to discover the truth of the matter.

this is where i discovered codependency and how it had (with the help of my environment and my curiosity) drove me from straight to homosexuality

fact is internet i have flipped myself as close to gay as a guy can get from being straight without sex. i have all but given up on girls seeing nothing there for me and nothing that interests me. for years i gave girls chances to set me on the straight and narrow (pun intended). but their ignorance has cost them a very smart, very talented gentleman and now all girls will miss the wonder that is beautiful me.

ladies you had your chance should you ever read this. you had all the chances in the world to be nice to me and treat me with the fair chance every man deserves when they approach you, which was that of friendship. you wouldn’t even give me that so i raise a middle finger at the female gender as a whole, you have big ego’s and you stuck up your nose at every opportunity. you shoved the door in my face whenever i tried to be neighborly and friendly, and you wouldn’t give me the time of day when I needed it most. I don’t want you and I wont miss you. may all future generations take this as a lesson to not step all over the quiet kid who worked up the courage to talk to you. and to give EVERY GUY be he fat/skinny, smart/stupid, athletic/weak, feminine/masculine religious/atheist a chance. I AM NOT COMING BACK

Rainbow flag. Symbol of gay pride.

Rainbow flag. Symbol of gay pride. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

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About ionusx

im gay/bi, 23, im a gamer a dancer, an IT, and a boyfriend. come say hi, i dont bite

Posted on May 6, 2013, in lgbt, personal and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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